Category Archives: heavy talk

stop negating, start accepting

Posted in heavy talk, life by

back on january 1, i quit with the “i’m going to give up diet coke” or “i’m not going to eat a single bite of ice cream”  new years resolutions and decided i wanted to choose something more meaningful.

i, like many other women, am terrible at receiving compliments.  before you can finish giving the compliment, i’ve already started negating it in some way or the other.  just the other day at work, a co-worker complimented me on my weight-loss and i, quickly, told her “well it’s not cause i’ve lost any weight in the last couple days, it’s probably just this shirt i’m wearing”.  why?  why did i feel the need to say that?  she was being genuine (she’s one to call me out on the good and bad, which i like about her) and i was too uncomfortable with myself to simply say “thank you”.

then, yesterday, i read heather’s blog post about the same. exact. thing. and while reading, i realized that others had written about this very same topic, as well.  it’s everywhere.  so why do we feel like we can’t just receive a compliment in today’s society?  i posted a comment on how i’m horrible at accepting compliments and woke up to this reply:

kmbcomment

i couldn’t help but smile, and even after a night of tossing, turning, and awful nightmares/hallucinations, my day had already started out awesome.  so thanks, heather!  i owe my good mood to you, today!

 

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here’s the thing about me, if i think i’m having a good make-up or hair day, i’m quick to throw up a selfie on instagram. it’s a good feeling to receive a compliment on them  (you can call me vein if you want) but i don’t put the pictures out there because i’m fishing for compliments. i know, however, that in THAT moment, i felt really good about myself and i owned it.

some days, i do truly believe i’m a beautiful person, hell, i’ve even recently entered into a contest to be considered as a plus size model.  but some days, i hate every single thing about myself and pick myself apart, and as soon as someone else says something nice, all i want to do is bash myself.

i can honestly say that i love my smile (that never received braces).  i love my eyebrows (that took a few years of tweezing to finally master). i love my eyes (that can change colors from green to hazel to brown, depending on the day).  i love my hair (that is thick and wavy and takes entirely too much time to style, on certain days). I LOVE MYSELF. 

 

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over the years,  i learned to stop focusing on what others think and truly focus on what i think.  i’ve weeded out quite a few friends because i felt like all they did was bring me down and make me feel bad about myself.  i even had to stop visiting my parents as much because all the negativity was too much for me to handle.

so, obviously, i broke my new year’s resolution, although every time i break it, i’m at least conscious of what i’m doing.  hopefully, by next year, i’ll be able to simply say “thank you”.  i’m at a better place today than i was a year ago, and hopefully in the next year, i’ll be in an even better place.  i want to be able to look in the mirror and ALWAYS be happy with what i see.  i want to receive a compliment from someone and ALWAYS mean the thank you that follows.  i want to ALWAYS love ME.  and i’m slowly making the changes in my life that will make all those reality.

thanks for listening. 🙂

 

Q: how are you at receiving a compliment?  if you’re good at it, have you always been like that?

 

 

what i USED to eat

Posted in heavy talk, life by

since i finished my 24 day challenge, i’ve been working on breaking a lot of bad habits i had before (i.e. only consuming diet coke all day, eating a pint of ben and jerry’s almost every night, etc).  one major problem i’ve dealt with since high school is bulimia.  it’s not something i did every single day, but it was definitely a big part of my life.  it’s still something i struggle with, today, 10 years later.  not many people are aware i’ve struggled with this, but i feel like being open about it will help me begin to heal all the years of damage i’ve done to myself, mentally.

the reason i brought that up is because, before this challenge, it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for me to consider purging or purge.  i knew what i was about to eat was going to make me feel guilty and i still ate it, because i thought it tasted good. then, i started to think about the foods i use to eat and it made my stomach hurt just thinking about the chemicals and CRAP i was putting in my body.  of course i felt like shit all the time, i was trying to fuel my body with shit.

so.. here’s a look at what i might eat in a day.  (note: this may not have happened all in one day, but all of these meals occurred at least once or twice a week.  there’s no doubt in my mind, that all of this could have happened on a friday when i was feeling really down about myself.)

breakfast:  mcdonald’s sausage mcgriddle (w. cheese) meal with a large diet coke.  plus, two sausage burritos.  yep, i’d eat all of it on my 20 minute drive into work.  disgusting.

breakfast

lunch:  my co-workers and i got on a Chipotle kick, there for awhile.  we’d go just about every friday.  my go-to meal was a burrito bowl with the following:  carnitas, brown rice, roasted chile-corn salsa, green chili salsa, red chili salsa, sour cream, cheese, guac, and lettuce.  i’d also order a bag of chips to ‘scoop’ my bowl, instead of eating it with a fork.  washed down with a large diet coke.

lunch

snack:  about 2:30-3:00 p.m., i’d start to feel pretty tired and rundown (obviously because i already ate two days worth of calories), so i’d head to the vending machine and grab my favorite salty snack:  sourdough pretzels snack bag with a 12 oz can of diet coke.

snack

dinner: on the way home from work, i’d tell Barbara i really didn’t feel like cooking (i do the majority of the cooking in the house) and would ask if we can stop by the grocery store and grab a frozen pizza, since its easy.  we’d get home, i’d pop in the pizza and in 20 mins, it’d be done.  i’d cut the pizza in 6 slices (since a serving is one slice) and grab one serving.. then 10 mins later, grab another, then 20 mins later, grab one more piece, until i’d eaten half a pizza, myself.  (i totally forgot to add calories for the ranch dressing and parmesan cheese i’d douse this pizza in)

dinner

dessert: finally, after a longgg day of eating, and it had been a long day at work, i’d dive into some ben & jerry’s coffee health bar crunch for dessert.  i could scoop it out of the pint into a bowl, but that would dirty a dish for no reason, since i planned on eating the whole pint.

dessert

here’s my daily total:

daily total

so yeah, to say i’m disgusted with the choices i was making would be an understatement.  i had hit rock bottom and i felt lousy all the time.  i was the biggest i had ever been and i didn’t think i’d make it out of this cycle.  purging was only an option for me at home, because i was to embarrassed to do it at work.  if someone would have heard me, i’d be humiliated.

i want to be open about all of this, because during this time, i felt SO ALONE. i felt like no one understood the need i felt to eat.  it became my comfort and at the same time, my worst enemy.  eating had become an addiction and it was wrecking my life, a pound at a time.  purging felt like it was my only option.  i was too tired to exercise; i was even too tire to take the dogs for walk.  it was like the advocare 24 day challenge came at exactly the right time to pull me out of this and get me back on track.

every day is a struggle to find the balance that my body needs.  my cravings aren’t completely gone, and sometimes, that sausage mcgriddle tries to tempt me when i’m driving to work.  after a cheat meal, the urges i have to purge that meal are awful, but i know its not going to get me anywhere.  bulimia is a real thing and its not as easy as just ‘not throwing up’.

wow, sorry for a heavy post, but again, i think talking about this stuff will help me reach my end goal of obtaining a healthy relationship with eating and exercise.  if you have any questions or need someone to talk to about this, feel free to contact me using the contact form.