(source.)

i have been a combination of all those things at some point this week.  its been my first week back into the gym, consistently, for quite some time.  i’m lifting and lifting heavy, because i want to challenge myself.  i’m sore in places i forgot i had. i’m tired, too.  my alarm clock goes off at 4:15 a.m. and by lunch time, i’m feeling it.  my body is tired, my mind is tired, I’M TIRED.

but.. i know this will be worth it.  i’m not wishing for all my dreams to come true at the end of this challenge.  i know i’m a work in progress and it’s going to take TIME. and STRENGTH. and WILLPOWER.  i don’t expect abs, or even a flat stomach.  what i’m hoping for is to find the motivation i lost somewhere along the way.

this time two years ago, i was just starting body-for-life, with the help of Janetha.  about two months after that, i was down over 30 lbs and really feeling great.  i haven’t been on a strict meal plan or workout regime since then.  not saying i completely gave up.. but i would binge, then realize i needed to snap back; i’d  go to some body pump classes, do some zumba at home, clean up my eats, but i never really found that motivation again. i got stressed out from buying a house and ate junk to make myself feel better, only i felt ten times worse.

my weight spiraled out of control and i woke up one morning the highest weight i had ever seen.  a number so high, it literally makes me sick to my stomach.  in december 2012 i woke up one day and decided to weigh myself (because when i’m not on track, i’d rather not see the number climb) and i weighed in at 303 pounds. ugh, there are tears in my eyes typing out that number. how did this happen?  how did i LET this happen??  the calories didn’t jump down my throat.. i stuffed them down there. i wasn’t overeating while i was at work, because i would pack a sensible breakfast and lunch; but i got tired of cooking, so, fast food for dinner it was. or a pre-made pizza. or hamburger helper. or pasta with more pasta.  i was having seconds for dinner; not small-just-two-more-bites seconds, more like the-same-size-as-my-first plate seconds. i was also eating a pint of ice cream for dessert more than 3 times a week; and there was always something sweet in the house because i now had the worst sweet tooth i’ve ever had.

i took matters into my own hands and decided if i couldn’t do this on my own, i didn’t want to wait a minute longer to help.  i saw a doctor and was enrolled for the LAP-BAND surgery in feb 2013.  actually, feb 14, 2013 to be exact.  i have not had the surgery yet, because i have to complete a 12-month coaching program through my insurance company to make sure i’m prepared for surgery (and that my insurance will pay for it).  announcing this to someone other than close friends and family makes me feel like a failure.  i thought i could do this on my own. i WANTED TO do this on my own.  my dad offered me this surgery multiple times in high school and college and i refused.  but i look at my parents and see that they’re still doing the same thing i am (yo-yo’ing), only they’re 30 years older.  i don’t want to wake up at age 50 and still have things on the back burner ‘waiting to lose weight’ before i do them.

i know this wont be the answer to all my prayers, but it will hopefully be the tool i need to make this thing work for me.  please don’t judge me, because, unless you’ve been in my shoes, you don’t know how this feels.  if everything works out as planned, i will be eligible for surgery feb 14, 2014.  if i can go in that day and have the surgery done, you bet i’ll be there.  this is why i’m currently trying to work on myself. i’m not going to show up to operating table 50 pounds heavier than i am now just because.  i want to lose as much weight as i can on my own, have the surgery, and continue right back to what i was doing.  i’m actually really excited.

so, this post took a crazy turn from what i had planned, but my brain just started pouring out thoughts and i can’t help they were all over the place.  this was the hardest decision i have ever made in my life, so i’m hoping to find some support to go along with it.  and i hope that everyone can see where i’m coming from and that i’m not just trying to take a magic pill and make all the fat go away.

sorry for such a heavy post on friday, but i needed this. i needed to get it out there so i can do everything i need to do to be successful.

i hope y’all have a great friday.