remember me?

so, i realize, i’m just not the best blogger ever.  even when i’m on track with eating and exercising,  i just don’t always find it ‘fun’ to update the blog.  hopefully you guys understand that! i see that some people are still hanging around!

last time i left you, i wasn’t doing too much, just living life.  i did go to new york, which is CRAZY at christmas time.  maybe a little too crazy for me, but i had fun regardless!

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other than that, i’ve been trying to eat fairly clean, with the occasional treats thrown in on the weekends.  i’ve been loving a avocado chicken burger recipe i found on pinterest awhile back.  these things are SO GOOD that they don’t even need a bun, which is saying a LOT coming from me!

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i also made some amazing filet and scallops for valentine’s day!  i don’t love getting all into valentine’s day, because i think if you love someone, you should show them you love them all year long, but those are my thoughts, and i wont go any further into it!

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it’s been a CRAZY winter in richmond!  i had all but given up hope that i’d ever see a decent snow fall again, but last week we got 10 inches at my house.  plus, the temperature has been averaging around 10-15*, which is unheard of in these parts, so i’m dreaming of spring weather, and hope that it makes it here soon!

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and, i couldn’t not mention that someone turned 3 yesterday!  yep, i can’t believe i got this guy a little less than three years ago!  he has pushed my limits more times than i can count, but i wouldn’t trade this guy for anything in the world.  i didn’t make him a pupcake this year, but he did get a few spoons of pb and almond butter! happy birthday, scout!

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as far as weight loss goes, i haven’t been restricting my diet and i’ve been at the same weight since the 24 day challenge.  i know to some people, that may not sound great, but for me to actually maintain my weight, is something i’ve never been able to do.  i’m either gaining or losing, so it feels nice to be in control, a little.

i’ve also been going to the gym 3-5 times a week.  i’ve been drinking this pre-workout and its helped me get motivated after a long day of work.  its so easy to just go home, lay on the couch, and binge watch the following (SO GOOD), but if i drink the pre-workout before i leave work, there’s no way i’m going to waste the product/$$, so i end up in the gym and feel SO much better afterwards! plus, if i go home after the gym and mold into the couch, i don’t feel as bad!

lap-band surgery update:  i successfully completed my 12 month coaching program required by insurance yesterday!  i completed the other required appointments, as well, which included:

  • meeting with a psychiatrist
  • meeting with a nutritionist
  • receiving clearance from my PCP
  • H PYLORI testing

i got a phone call from my surgeons office yesterday morning and i’m scheduled for an appointment feb 28.  i’m not exactly sure what will happen in this appointment, but surgery is not set in stone yet, because i still need to receive insurance approval.  so, lets hope all goes well and i get approved quick!

its been a longgg road, but i still know that in my heart, this is what i want for me and my body.  i remember going on my first diet when i was 6 years old, so i’ve been struggling with this issue for 20 years.  20 YEARS. it’s so hard trying to convince someone this is the right thing for me.  i’ve received many snide remarks from co-workers/others, like “i’d rather be fat” or “can’t you just eat less and not get the surgery?”  not that these have ANY impact on my decision, BUT, its one of the main reasons i’ve kept my surgery to myself and the whole internet.  again, i’ve asked before, but if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all, because i really don’t want any more negativity on this issue.

so, i think that’s enough updating for you guys today!  if you stuck around, thanks! and i promise i wont wait so long to post next time.  i want to keep this thing going, i really do.  i haven’t found a ton of blogs with the same issues as mine, so i’m hoping this can help other people.

xoxo

oh hey

hiiii you guys! is anyone still there?! i just wanted to check in with you real quick to let you know i’m still alive.

my life has been crazzzzzy busy these last 2 months. between working on average 80 hours a week and living life when i have a spare second, blogging definitely took the back burner.

everything should slow down now at work, so hopefully that means i’ll be able to blog about life, weight loss, and everything in between now!

i’m going to new york for a long weekend, this weekend, so i’ll be sure to check back in after!

hope you all are doing well, and if you’re still hanging around here, thanks for sticking with me 🙂

stop negating, start accepting

back on january 1, i quit with the “i’m going to give up diet coke” or “i’m not going to eat a single bite of ice cream”  new years resolutions and decided i wanted to choose something more meaningful.

i, like many other women, am terrible at receiving compliments.  before you can finish giving the compliment, i’ve already started negating it in some way or the other.  just the other day at work, a co-worker complimented me on my weight-loss and i, quickly, told her “well it’s not cause i’ve lost any weight in the last couple days, it’s probably just this shirt i’m wearing”.  why?  why did i feel the need to say that?  she was being genuine (she’s one to call me out on the good and bad, which i like about her) and i was too uncomfortable with myself to simply say “thank you”.

then, yesterday, i read heather’s blog post about the same. exact. thing. and while reading, i realized that others had written about this very same topic, as well.  it’s everywhere.  so why do we feel like we can’t just receive a compliment in today’s society?  i posted a comment on how i’m horrible at accepting compliments and woke up to this reply:

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i couldn’t help but smile, and even after a night of tossing, turning, and awful nightmares/hallucinations, my day had already started out awesome.  so thanks, heather!  i owe my good mood to you, today!

 

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here’s the thing about me, if i think i’m having a good make-up or hair day, i’m quick to throw up a selfie on instagram. it’s a good feeling to receive a compliment on them  (you can call me vein if you want) but i don’t put the pictures out there because i’m fishing for compliments. i know, however, that in THAT moment, i felt really good about myself and i owned it.

some days, i do truly believe i’m a beautiful person, hell, i’ve even recently entered into a contest to be considered as a plus size model.  but some days, i hate every single thing about myself and pick myself apart, and as soon as someone else says something nice, all i want to do is bash myself.

i can honestly say that i love my smile (that never received braces).  i love my eyebrows (that took a few years of tweezing to finally master). i love my eyes (that can change colors from green to hazel to brown, depending on the day).  i love my hair (that is thick and wavy and takes entirely too much time to style, on certain days). I LOVE MYSELF. 

 

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over the years,  i learned to stop focusing on what others think and truly focus on what i think.  i’ve weeded out quite a few friends because i felt like all they did was bring me down and make me feel bad about myself.  i even had to stop visiting my parents as much because all the negativity was too much for me to handle.

so, obviously, i broke my new year’s resolution, although every time i break it, i’m at least conscious of what i’m doing.  hopefully, by next year, i’ll be able to simply say “thank you”.  i’m at a better place today than i was a year ago, and hopefully in the next year, i’ll be in an even better place.  i want to be able to look in the mirror and ALWAYS be happy with what i see.  i want to receive a compliment from someone and ALWAYS mean the thank you that follows.  i want to ALWAYS love ME.  and i’m slowly making the changes in my life that will make all those reality.

thanks for listening. 🙂

 

Q: how are you at receiving a compliment?  if you’re good at it, have you always been like that?

 

 

festival of the grape

hey guys!  how was your weekend?  mine was jam packed with fun, food, and friends!

friday night was spent with family at my niece’s pre-school’s fall festival.  they had crafts and games and ended with a parade.  it was cute. but there were waaaayy too many people cramped in small areas and i had some serious anxiety going on.  (i guess i need to get used to it, because babies will be coming before i know it and i’ll be taking my own kids to their fall festival!) after that, we went to outback for dinner.  i had the cobb salad and was pretty disappointed, but i wasn’t expecting much to begin with.

saturday, i woke-up bright and early to straighten up the house then get ready for Powhatan County’s annual wine festival!  its the go-to wine festival in this area, but this was actually my first time going, or even really trying wines for that matter!  i’m more likely to try a new beer versus trying a new wine, but i’d like to branch out some and see if i like it.

the festival is only three miles from my house, so Barbara, her mom, a friend, and i headed out our door around 10:55 a.m.  there were already A LOT of people there by the time we got there!  we parked and headed to the front gate where you show your tickets and grab you tasting glass.

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after we picked up our glasses and got our wristbands, it was time to try some wine!  i am a complete newby at all of this and my memory is horrible, so i wont be able to tell you all the details, please forgive me.  there were tons of vendors set up, from artwork to wine-glass-holder-necklaces, along with the obvious wine vendors.

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the wine vendors had samplings of anywhere from three to eight wines.  most had red, whites, sweets, and sangrias.  its mostly Virginia wineries which is nice to know its all made local.  some of my favorites included Cooper Vineyards, James River Cellars, and Byrd Cellars.

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as you can see, the weather was not in our favor that day.  all week the forecast said 70* and sunny, then, friday rolled around and the forecast changed to 65* and rainy.  it was never a heavy rain, just enough to piss you off.  it surely didn’t stop people from coming out and trying some wine, though!

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each winey had a list of the wines you were tasting, so i made note of which wines i liked and which ones i didn’t.  i noticed that the majority of the ones i really liked were a blend of vidal blanc, chardonel, and something else.  they usually had other fruity notes, like peaches and pineapple, and were sweet white wines, but not too sweet. just kind of refreshing. i also enjoyed most of the sangrias.

byrd cellars had sweet apple wine that was amazing.  i plan on visiting them for a tasting sometime in the near future because i only got to try a few of their wines.  from their website:

Sweet Apple – Made from Virginia cider house apples. Light, fruity, and slightly sweet.  The apple juice comes from a cider house in Amhurst county.  We purchase the juice as the apples are being pressed at harvest time, begin the fermentation process at the cider house and transport it back to our winery to finish the process.  The apples are a wonderful blend of such great apples as pipin, fugi, yellow delicious and more.”

i really wanted a chance to try all the wines, and i’m glad i did, because i really got to see which ones i liked and which ones i didn’t care for.  one winery, peaks of otter, had a light chili pepper wine, which was served with a squeeze of cheese.  spicy wine, i did NOT care for.  it almost reminded me of the master cleanse – lemonade drink i tried for about 3 days.

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i ended up purchasing wine from cooper vineyards called rhapsody.  from the website:

Sweet:  Rhapsody – Our refreshing blend of Vidal Blanc, Chardonel, and Viognier. At 3% residual sugar, with notes of peach and honeysuckle, Rhapsody pairs well with Thai food and sunny afternoons.”

its a sweet wine, but i found it more refreshing than overly sweet.  i guess i’ll be able to give a better description once i drink more than a sample, but i’m excited to break open my bottle.

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we stayed from 11-3 p.m. and then headed to a local restaurant for dinner.  i had a blackened and bleu burger, but it was so salty, i could barely eat it.  we got home and hung out a little longer with the fire going, since it was so cold and drizzly out.

scout was happy to see the fireplace back up and running.  the kid loves a fire.  i catch him some nights with his foot actually propped in the fireplace.

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sunday, i stayed in bed until 12 p.m. sorryimnotsorry.  it felt soooo good to sleep in.  theres only been a few weekends, over the past few months, where i’ve been able to sleep in, so when i get the chance, i take it.  it was a nice relaxing sunday which included noodles & company for lunch, the movies to see carrie (don’t waste your money), and chicken noodle soup (GO MAKE THIS SOUP) + more movies (hunger games & act of valor) later that night.

all-in-all it was a really great weekend!! did you do anything fun this weekend? 

five things friday

hey y’all!  how are ya?  happy it’s friday?  i know i am.  i had monday off work for the holiday, but this 4 day work week has been dragggggging.  i thought i’d do a light post with four lists of five for you.

five most recent pins:

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  1. this hair!  i’m actually dying my hair a deep purplish hue (kinda like this) nov 2 and adding bangs!  i always want to do something different, but never get the guts to do it once i’m in the seat.  i cant wait to see how i look with both of these changes!
  2. this. pizza w. fig preserves, caramelized onions and chicken sausages by Bev Cooks.
  3. pitbull dalmation mix.  is there anything cuter than this?!
  4. these highlights.  very subtle!  i want to be more adventurous with my hair. i’m tired of it being cookie cutter all the time!
  5. this tribal/aztec cardigan.  i’m currently obsessed with all things aztec and tribal themed.  along with ikat and chevron.  and polka dots. i cant get enough of it!

five most recent purchases:

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  1. this cardigan.  like i said, i’m obsessed with tribal patterns.  i saw this sweater at wet seal and scooped it up, quick!  when does shopping at wet seal become age inappropriate?  hopefully not until i’m 26 (in a month).
  2. a fireplace gas key.  nothing fun here, the pervious owner didn’t leave one with the house, so instead of struggling with tools i had on hand, i got one for about $20. the joys of adulthood.
  3. dinner from McAlister’s Deli.  they seriously have the. best. salads.  it’s a chain restaurant, but doesn’t feel like one, which is something i really like.
  4. air filters and some random items from Lowe’s.  again, nothing fun here.  just maintaining the house!  we’re actually re-doing the laundry room (we’ve already installed tile), so i’ll have to show you a before and after once it gets done.  which should be sometime soon!
  5. this chicago bears shirt.  i don’t normally buy stuff like this often, but its barbara’s fav team and i thought it looked kinda cute.  i am by no means a football fan, but i will root for the redskins when they’re on because my uncle, who lived with us growing up, was a die-hard skins fan.

five dogs on my wish list (note:  i plan on adopting from here on out, so i don’t know how likely any of these will ever be, but these are my current favorite ‘future’ dogs).

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  1. corgis.  i have become OBSESSED.  i used to think they were funny looking, but then i realized it was the exact same dog as scout, except shorter ears (and no tail).  the more i see them, the more i love them.
  2. french bulldogs.  these stocky little guys have won over my heart.  i need one before i die.
  3. newfoundland. i volunteered at an animal hospital growing up and one of the dogs i helped out with was a newfoundland puppy.  they grow up HUGE, but i love big dogs.  i also love short dogs.  i don’t discriminate.
  4. bloodhound.  one of my friend’s has one named jeb and he is the sweetest thing i’ve ever met.  hes full of energy and reminds me a lot of a taller scout.  i think i’m partial to hound dogs.
  5. great dane.  i’ve always been in awe at the size of these dogs.  they’re adorable too.

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five meals i want to make:

  1. grilled hawaiian pizza burritos.  pineapple makes everything better.  i’m semi-obsessed.
  2. quick & clean chicken noodle soup.  clean. simple. tasty. how much better could it get?!
  3. white chicken quinoa chili.  its chili season.. do i need another reason?
  4. cheddar chive pancakes.  these neeeeed to happen, stat!
  5. mini cheddar sweet potato and chorizo shepherds pie.  long title but they look amazing!  comfort food for the win.

 

now your turn!  list off 5 things from your own list.. or choose from one of mine!

 

DIY halloween wreath

hey there!  i didn’t forget about this little blog of mine, life has continued to be crazy, so i promise, i’m dropping in as much as i can. hopefully, everything will start to slow down and i’ll get to post regularly, like before.

i dropped in to show you the halloween wreath i made last night with the help of some inspiration via pinterest.  here is my ‘wreathspiration’:

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and here is my version, with step-by-step directions:

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first, you’ll need to gather your supplies (shown below).  i picked up the skull, originally brown, awhile back when halloween stuff had just started to show up at Jo-Ann’s.   to make it silver, i simply sprayed it with some metallic spray paint from Lowe’s that i had laying around the house.

last week i picked up the rest of my supplies, which included: foam wreath (i wanted one with rounded edges, but after searching two stores, i settled for this one).  i also picked up two spools of ribbon, one white and one black, to wrap around the wreath.  the inspiration looks like it may have been felt (maybe?), but i like the way mine turned out just as well, so whatever you can find will work.

that other spool of ribbon down there is glitter ribbon to make the bow. (note: Barbara is an expert bow maker, so she actually made the bow on the finished product.  i have no clue how she does it, but i saw plenty of pre-made bows at Jo-Ann’s for a decent price, which i would have had to snag up if it weren’t for her.)

the only tools i used for this project were scissors and a glue gun.

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next, i glued the two ribbons together, overlapping some, so that they would be easier to start wrapping.

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then, glue the ribbon onto the wreath and get to wrapping!  i would periodically glue the ribbon to the wreath so it wasn’t just ‘sitting’ on top of the foam.

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soon, it will start to come together and look like this:

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here is what my wreath looked like after the whole thing was wrapped.  i ran out of black ribbon on the last wrap, so that’s why there’s more white at the bottom center.  i knew i would be covered by the bow and skull, so i wasn’t that worried.

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barbara worked her bow-making-magic, or if it were just me, this is where i would tell you i hot glued my store made bow onto the wreath.

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finally, i hot glued the skull onto the wreath, making sure that i didn’t set it too far back, so that it would sit flush on the front door.  i let it sit to dry overnight and will be hanging it on the door tonight when i get home!

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this whole project took about 15 minutes and cost around $20 with some coupons i had.  i know all the wreaths i look at cost a lot more, so i would definitely say this is worth the time and effort!  it’s not exactly the same as my ‘wreathspiration’  but i love it.  feel free to use any colors you want here, purple and orange, orange and black, black and red.. the possibilities are endless!

wreath8 happy halloween!

Q:  have you made any crafts for halloween?  did you have inspiration or did you just wing it?

iphone, lately.

hey guys! i didn’t fall off the face of the earth, promise!  it’s been CRAZY busy in my world with traveling to the baby shower, work conference, catching up on work i missed, and then enjoying life this weekend, but i’m still doing great!  here are some snapshots of the last couple of days since we last talked (i apologize if you follow me on instagram and have already seen these!).

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(bacon filled pancakes)

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(glow in the dark sparkles!)

that’s all i have for you, today!  i promise i’ll be back sometime this week with an update on how everything is going!

fall has arrived!

you guys, can i please tell you HOW excited i am that fall is finally here? SO EXCITED.  don’t get me wrong, i love going to the beach and all the get-togethers summer brings, but i absolutely HATE hot and humid weather and that’s what virginia is allll about may-august.

i was born during the fall (november), so growing up, that was my reasoning for fall being my favorite season, but now that i’ve grown up, i love everything that comes with it.  its the ‘unofficial’ start of the holiday decorating season, there’s pumpkin patches, it’s honeycrisp season and apple picking time, the weather is cool, but not frigid.  i could go on, but i wont bore you.

i’ve been pretty busy at work, after work, and on the weekends, lately, and it wont slow down for another few weeks, but i wanted to do a fun little post to kick-off my favorite season.  so, i’ll share with you my new favorite decorations:

photo9sunflowers are quickly becoming my favorite flower.

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free halloween printable from pinterest

photo 2mercury glass pumpkin and owl (old) from homegoods

photo 3THE BEST smelling candle (yankee candle:apple pumpkin) and homegoods ‘poison’

 photo 5vase filling from homegoods and yankee candle: autumn leaves (i’m on the fence with this scent.  its not very strong)

this weekend, i’ll be visiting the eastern shore of virginia for one of my best friend’s baby shower!!  shes having a christmas baby!  after that, i’ll be staying in virginia beach until tuesday for a work conference.  mostly work and some play (the Neptune festival)!  i’ll be checking back in, and hopefully i’ll remember to take some pictures, so you can see what i’ve been up to!

Q: what’s your favorite season and what’s your favorite part about it?

metabolic testing results

hey guys! happy tuesday!  i mentioned before that i was planning on getting metabolic testing done and last night was the night!

let me rewind a bit and take the time to thank janetha for talking me through a nervous breakdown and showing me this post, from ashley. to be honest, after my 24 day challenge, i started to do some research on how many calories i should be consuming a day, there were SO many different  opinions that i just panicked and didn’t know what to do.  i texted janetha and she was more than happy to listen and give advice.  she sent me to ashley’s page, and that’s what made decided i want to get metabolic testing done so i could know my exact numbers and be confident in how i was fueling my body.

so, last night, i had a Resting Metabolic Rate (RMR) test done to determine how many calories i burn each day.  during the quick, ten minute test, i was hooked up to a machine, through a breathing tube (nose plugged), which analyzed oxygen levels of air i was breathing.  the results from the test can then help determine how many calories i need to gain or lose weight and reach my weight loss goal.  the test also includes 45 minutes to talk with a Registered Dietitian to set up an individual meal plan.

after the test was done, the RD took my weight, height, goal weight, and also took down notes on an average 24 hour period in my life (she asked for an average gym day).  here’s what i told her:

  • 4:30 a.m. alarm goes off
  • 5:00 a.m. eating half a VO2 bar and drinking spark + arginine extreme pre-workout
  • 5:15 a.m. workout (weight training followed by 20 mins of cardio)
  • 7:15 a.m. protein shake + piece of fruit (watermelon or apples)
  • 9:30 a.m. snack – rice cake + some sunflower seed butter
  • 12:30 p.m. lunch – leftovers – probably a lean protein, complex carb, and some veggies
  • 3:30 p.m. snackquest bar
  • 5:00 p.m. by this time, i usually have about 100-120 oz of water
  • 6:30 p.m. dinner – lean protein (fish, bison, ground turkey) + two servings of veggies
  • 9:00 p.m. snack – protein cake (i used the recipe at the bottom of the post) or protein shake
  • i also explained how i am getting my daily vitamins through MNS 3 packets.

she complimented me on the fact that i balance protein with a carbs pretty well.  i learned that from body-for-life (and janetha) and know that’s the best way to keep myself hungry, without feeling deprived.

my RMR results were as follows:

  • Weight – 287 lbs
  • Goal weight – 170 lbs
  • Height – 5 ft 7 in
  • Resting Energy Expenditure – 2,434 calories
  • Estimated exercise burn – 304 cals (in 30 mins of exercise)
  • Estimated lifestyle & activity burn – 729 cals (a little high, in her thoughts, since i have a desk job)
  • Metabolism – 14% faster, compared to a typical person of similar sex, age, height, and weight. which means i can’t use ‘i have a slow metabolism’ for weight gain.

RMR13,467 calories – my total energy output

RMR2never would have thought my metabolism was faster than average, with all the damage i’ve done to it in the past.

the RD explained to me, that for the most part, overweight people have a higher than normal metabolism because they use more energy doing normal day-to-day activities (like walking to the car or going up the stairs).  this all made a lot of sense to me.

my recent ‘plateau’ made sense, as well.  i was eating/logging about 1,200-1,300 calories a day, thinking i was getting enough food to fuel my body, but not too much to where i wouldn’t lose weight.  turns out, my body was in starvation mode.  i was eating too few calories to properly fuel my body.  everything started to fall into place and i realized i was actually hurting myself, when i thought i was doing the right thing.

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we went over how many calories she thought i should consume on workout days and non-workout days.  you can see from the photo above, she wants me to keep non-workout days at around 1,400-1,600 calories, and workout days to around 1,600 to 1,800 calories.  these calorie amounts don’t seem extremely high to me, but i’m so used to eating 1,200-1,300, it will take some getting used to.  after logging all my meals for the day, today, i realized that my day is going to be calorie heavy for dinner, which is something i don’t want to happen.  i need to plan my meals better and keep them all about the same amount of calories.  i’m going to try and keep my macros around 45/35/20 (protein/carbs/fat).

all-in-all, i thought this was a very successful experience.  i learned a lot, and i feel confident that i will be able to fuel my body properly with these tools!  i’ll continue to check in with the RD to let her know how my progress is going, whether i’m losing weight or not, and if there are any adjustments in my calories that may need to be made.

have a great day!

 

what i USED to eat

since i finished my 24 day challenge, i’ve been working on breaking a lot of bad habits i had before (i.e. only consuming diet coke all day, eating a pint of ben and jerry’s almost every night, etc).  one major problem i’ve dealt with since high school is bulimia.  it’s not something i did every single day, but it was definitely a big part of my life.  it’s still something i struggle with, today, 10 years later.  not many people are aware i’ve struggled with this, but i feel like being open about it will help me begin to heal all the years of damage i’ve done to myself, mentally.

the reason i brought that up is because, before this challenge, it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for me to consider purging or purge.  i knew what i was about to eat was going to make me feel guilty and i still ate it, because i thought it tasted good. then, i started to think about the foods i use to eat and it made my stomach hurt just thinking about the chemicals and CRAP i was putting in my body.  of course i felt like shit all the time, i was trying to fuel my body with shit.

so.. here’s a look at what i might eat in a day.  (note: this may not have happened all in one day, but all of these meals occurred at least once or twice a week.  there’s no doubt in my mind, that all of this could have happened on a friday when i was feeling really down about myself.)

breakfast:  mcdonald’s sausage mcgriddle (w. cheese) meal with a large diet coke.  plus, two sausage burritos.  yep, i’d eat all of it on my 20 minute drive into work.  disgusting.

breakfast

lunch:  my co-workers and i got on a Chipotle kick, there for awhile.  we’d go just about every friday.  my go-to meal was a burrito bowl with the following:  carnitas, brown rice, roasted chile-corn salsa, green chili salsa, red chili salsa, sour cream, cheese, guac, and lettuce.  i’d also order a bag of chips to ‘scoop’ my bowl, instead of eating it with a fork.  washed down with a large diet coke.

lunch

snack:  about 2:30-3:00 p.m., i’d start to feel pretty tired and rundown (obviously because i already ate two days worth of calories), so i’d head to the vending machine and grab my favorite salty snack:  sourdough pretzels snack bag with a 12 oz can of diet coke.

snack

dinner: on the way home from work, i’d tell Barbara i really didn’t feel like cooking (i do the majority of the cooking in the house) and would ask if we can stop by the grocery store and grab a frozen pizza, since its easy.  we’d get home, i’d pop in the pizza and in 20 mins, it’d be done.  i’d cut the pizza in 6 slices (since a serving is one slice) and grab one serving.. then 10 mins later, grab another, then 20 mins later, grab one more piece, until i’d eaten half a pizza, myself.  (i totally forgot to add calories for the ranch dressing and parmesan cheese i’d douse this pizza in)

dinner

dessert: finally, after a longgg day of eating, and it had been a long day at work, i’d dive into some ben & jerry’s coffee health bar crunch for dessert.  i could scoop it out of the pint into a bowl, but that would dirty a dish for no reason, since i planned on eating the whole pint.

dessert

here’s my daily total:

daily total

so yeah, to say i’m disgusted with the choices i was making would be an understatement.  i had hit rock bottom and i felt lousy all the time.  i was the biggest i had ever been and i didn’t think i’d make it out of this cycle.  purging was only an option for me at home, because i was to embarrassed to do it at work.  if someone would have heard me, i’d be humiliated.

i want to be open about all of this, because during this time, i felt SO ALONE. i felt like no one understood the need i felt to eat.  it became my comfort and at the same time, my worst enemy.  eating had become an addiction and it was wrecking my life, a pound at a time.  purging felt like it was my only option.  i was too tired to exercise; i was even too tire to take the dogs for walk.  it was like the advocare 24 day challenge came at exactly the right time to pull me out of this and get me back on track.

every day is a struggle to find the balance that my body needs.  my cravings aren’t completely gone, and sometimes, that sausage mcgriddle tries to tempt me when i’m driving to work.  after a cheat meal, the urges i have to purge that meal are awful, but i know its not going to get me anywhere.  bulimia is a real thing and its not as easy as just ‘not throwing up’.

wow, sorry for a heavy post, but again, i think talking about this stuff will help me reach my end goal of obtaining a healthy relationship with eating and exercise.  if you have any questions or need someone to talk to about this, feel free to contact me using the contact form.