i got my date!

guys, apparently i’m only good at posting once a month these days?  life has been SO busy lately!  i’m not complaining, but i’ve barely had a free minute to do anything.  my days lately have been filled with work, family, house projects, enjoying spring, and other fun events with friends.

so on to lap-band stuff (sorry if this is boring for some), after 5 WEEKS of waiting to hear from insurance, i took it upon myself to call the company and found out i was approved for surgery march 23.  i called my doctors office the next week, thinking they would have received that information by that point, to find out they didn’t have anything.  after almost a full day on the phone and playing phone tag with insurance and my surgeon’s office, i got all the answers i needed.

i’m scheduled for surgery may 8th!  i have 2 more full days worth of appointments which include a seminar tomorrow and pre-surgery testing/questions/consent next thursday.  i should learn more about my pre-op, liver shrinking diet at the seminar and should be put on that either this friday or next friday.  i’m not sure if my surgeon requires 2 weeks or 3 weeks of the pre-op diet.

as exciting as all of this is to me, i’m still getting negative feedback from some people.  i received a voicemail from my mom about a week ago, telling me if i adopted a plant based, vegan diet i wouldn’t need “to be cut open”.  i’ve also gotten my fair share of snark comments from co-workers.  this may be the most frustrating aspect of the surgery.  i almost wish i would have kept this process to myself because people can be hurtful, whether they know it or not.   this has been something i’ve thought about since i was 18.  for almost 20 years i’ve had to be mindful of what i put in my mouth, and when i’ve failed at doing that, my weight showed that.  i know i’ve said it before, but i don’t want to be 50 and still waiting to experience life.  as much as i loved costa rica last february, my experience would have been 100x better had i weighed 100 lbs less.

i just need to keep reminding myself that i’m doing this for myself and myself only.  i’m the one that can’t look in the mirror after i get out of the shower, who hates getting dressed in the morning, whose body constantly aches from the excess weight.

i promise i want to get back to updating this blog at least weekly, for no one but myself.  so i can see how far i’ve come and see all the obstacles i faced throughout this journey.  so if you’re still reading, thanks for the support!

ps.  can you just look how little my basset was 3 years ago.  man, as much as i miss that baby face, that first year was a hard one with him!

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change of plans

hey guys! happy wednesday. i officially hate the term ‘hump day’ because the guy at the front desk of my gym repeats the geico commercial word for word EVERY WEDNESDAY i walk into the gym, usually at 5:00am when i have no patience for anyone.  so, needless to say, i no longer enjoy referring to wednesday as hump day. moving on..

this post will probably be mostly words and i apologize for that in advance.

i had my appointment with the surgeon at St. Mary’s hospital at 11:30 friday morning.  i got to the office early, filled out my paperwork and waited until the doctor was ready.  when i was finally called back, they took my weight, blood pressure, temp, etc and then, i was finally placed in the examining room.  the nurse asked what surgery i was considering, and she noted it on my chart.

*i will clarify that when i first saw the nurse practitioner last january, the only surgery we discussed was the lap-band, because that’s the only surgery i was comfortable with.  its the least invasive of the 3, and the one i felt most i could do the best with.*

the doctor walked in and wasn’t even sitting down before he told me that i wasn’t a good candidate for the lap-band.  stating my BMI was WAY TO HIGH to be considered.  he would only give the lap-band to a patient with a BMI of 45 and lower.  NEWS FLASH, doc, my BMI is 46 and i’m only 7 pounds away from 44.9, so you’re being a bit dramatic.  he went on to say, i would only lose 30 pounds, but i’d never be successful like sleeve and gastric bypass patients.  after he was done telling me how bad i was going to fail with the lap-band, he refused to treat me and referred me to his colleague, Dr. Carmody, who i could meet with at 3:00pm that afternoon.

after feeling so defeated, i left the office crying and second guessing everything i was so sure of for the past 13 months.  i KNEW this was the right surgery for me.  i didn’t want 3/4 of my stomach to be removed.  i didn’t want to constantly worry about malnutrition or if i didn’t get the right vitamins in, worry about losing my hair.  then i thought, maybe this guy IS right.  maybe i’m too fat for the lap-band.  maybe the sleeve is the only thing that will help me lose this 130 pounds i want to lose.  maybe i’m being naïve in my decision and should just go ahead and get the sleeve.

by the time i got back to the doctor, i wasn’t sure what i want at this point.  i was scared, nervous, and confused.  when i finally got called back, 50 minutes later, i wasn’t sure what this doctor was going to tell me.  luckily, it was everything i NEEDED to hear.  after a few minutes of talking to me about my past diet attempts and current eating habits, he thought i was a perfect fit for the lap-band.  he said with me being young, active, and a generally clean eater, i would be very successful with the band.  it was like i could finally breath again, and hearing that someone believed in me was the boost i needed.  i should get a surgery date within the next 2 weeks, where i’ll be put on a pre-op diet consisting of not that much.

i’m SO HAPPY the first doctor turned out to be a dick, because i really feel like my current doctor is the perfect fit.  i do understand where the other doctor was coming from, even though i don’t agree with it.  lap-band patients tend to lose less weight at a slower pace than sleeve and bypass patients do.  these numbers reflect poorly on the surgeon and drop his stats.  aftercare cost and time (because of fills) is also a burden on the surgeon has to deal with.  not that i think any surgery is an easy decision or the ‘easy way out’, but i think it takes a little more work throughout the whole process to get good result with lap-band.  just my opinion though.

im using the band as a tool.  i don’t mind working out and i actually love eating clean (with the occasional splurge out to eat), but even with all i did this year to change my diet and exercise, it still wasn’t enough.  i don’t want to feel like the only way i can lose weight is by not eating carbs.  i want to be able to take a bite of bread, but have that be enough to satisfy me.

i’m going to make this work.. and i cant wait to see how far i take it!  then, i can shove my weight loss in the other surgeons face and say F YOU.

that’s enough words for the day.  i hope you all have a great day!

 

remember me?

so, i realize, i’m just not the best blogger ever.  even when i’m on track with eating and exercising,  i just don’t always find it ‘fun’ to update the blog.  hopefully you guys understand that! i see that some people are still hanging around!

last time i left you, i wasn’t doing too much, just living life.  i did go to new york, which is CRAZY at christmas time.  maybe a little too crazy for me, but i had fun regardless!

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other than that, i’ve been trying to eat fairly clean, with the occasional treats thrown in on the weekends.  i’ve been loving a avocado chicken burger recipe i found on pinterest awhile back.  these things are SO GOOD that they don’t even need a bun, which is saying a LOT coming from me!

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i also made some amazing filet and scallops for valentine’s day!  i don’t love getting all into valentine’s day, because i think if you love someone, you should show them you love them all year long, but those are my thoughts, and i wont go any further into it!

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it’s been a CRAZY winter in richmond!  i had all but given up hope that i’d ever see a decent snow fall again, but last week we got 10 inches at my house.  plus, the temperature has been averaging around 10-15*, which is unheard of in these parts, so i’m dreaming of spring weather, and hope that it makes it here soon!

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and, i couldn’t not mention that someone turned 3 yesterday!  yep, i can’t believe i got this guy a little less than three years ago!  he has pushed my limits more times than i can count, but i wouldn’t trade this guy for anything in the world.  i didn’t make him a pupcake this year, but he did get a few spoons of pb and almond butter! happy birthday, scout!

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as far as weight loss goes, i haven’t been restricting my diet and i’ve been at the same weight since the 24 day challenge.  i know to some people, that may not sound great, but for me to actually maintain my weight, is something i’ve never been able to do.  i’m either gaining or losing, so it feels nice to be in control, a little.

i’ve also been going to the gym 3-5 times a week.  i’ve been drinking this pre-workout and its helped me get motivated after a long day of work.  its so easy to just go home, lay on the couch, and binge watch the following (SO GOOD), but if i drink the pre-workout before i leave work, there’s no way i’m going to waste the product/$$, so i end up in the gym and feel SO much better afterwards! plus, if i go home after the gym and mold into the couch, i don’t feel as bad!

lap-band surgery update:  i successfully completed my 12 month coaching program required by insurance yesterday!  i completed the other required appointments, as well, which included:

  • meeting with a psychiatrist
  • meeting with a nutritionist
  • receiving clearance from my PCP
  • H PYLORI testing

i got a phone call from my surgeons office yesterday morning and i’m scheduled for an appointment feb 28.  i’m not exactly sure what will happen in this appointment, but surgery is not set in stone yet, because i still need to receive insurance approval.  so, lets hope all goes well and i get approved quick!

its been a longgg road, but i still know that in my heart, this is what i want for me and my body.  i remember going on my first diet when i was 6 years old, so i’ve been struggling with this issue for 20 years.  20 YEARS. it’s so hard trying to convince someone this is the right thing for me.  i’ve received many snide remarks from co-workers/others, like “i’d rather be fat” or “can’t you just eat less and not get the surgery?”  not that these have ANY impact on my decision, BUT, its one of the main reasons i’ve kept my surgery to myself and the whole internet.  again, i’ve asked before, but if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all, because i really don’t want any more negativity on this issue.

so, i think that’s enough updating for you guys today!  if you stuck around, thanks! and i promise i wont wait so long to post next time.  i want to keep this thing going, i really do.  i haven’t found a ton of blogs with the same issues as mine, so i’m hoping this can help other people.

xoxo

oh hey

hiiii you guys! is anyone still there?! i just wanted to check in with you real quick to let you know i’m still alive.

my life has been crazzzzzy busy these last 2 months. between working on average 80 hours a week and living life when i have a spare second, blogging definitely took the back burner.

everything should slow down now at work, so hopefully that means i’ll be able to blog about life, weight loss, and everything in between now!

i’m going to new york for a long weekend, this weekend, so i’ll be sure to check back in after!

hope you all are doing well, and if you’re still hanging around here, thanks for sticking with me :)

stop negating, start accepting

back on january 1, i quit with the “i’m going to give up diet coke” or “i’m not going to eat a single bite of ice cream”  new years resolutions and decided i wanted to choose something more meaningful.

i, like many other women, am terrible at receiving compliments.  before you can finish giving the compliment, i’ve already started negating it in some way or the other.  just the other day at work, a co-worker complimented me on my weight-loss and i, quickly, told her “well it’s not cause i’ve lost any weight in the last couple days, it’s probably just this shirt i’m wearing”.  why?  why did i feel the need to say that?  she was being genuine (she’s one to call me out on the good and bad, which i like about her) and i was too uncomfortable with myself to simply say “thank you”.

then, yesterday, i read heather’s blog post about the same. exact. thing. and while reading, i realized that others had written about this very same topic, as well.  it’s everywhere.  so why do we feel like we can’t just receive a compliment in today’s society?  i posted a comment on how i’m horrible at accepting compliments and woke up to this reply:

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i couldn’t help but smile, and even after a night of tossing, turning, and awful nightmares/hallucinations, my day had already started out awesome.  so thanks, heather!  i owe my good mood to you, today!

 

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here’s the thing about me, if i think i’m having a good make-up or hair day, i’m quick to throw up a selfie on instagram. it’s a good feeling to receive a compliment on them  (you can call me vein if you want) but i don’t put the pictures out there because i’m fishing for compliments. i know, however, that in THAT moment, i felt really good about myself and i owned it.

some days, i do truly believe i’m a beautiful person, hell, i’ve even recently entered into a contest to be considered as a plus size model.  but some days, i hate every single thing about myself and pick myself apart, and as soon as someone else says something nice, all i want to do is bash myself.

i can honestly say that i love my smile (that never received braces).  i love my eyebrows (that took a few years of tweezing to finally master). i love my eyes (that can change colors from green to hazel to brown, depending on the day).  i love my hair (that is thick and wavy and takes entirely too much time to style, on certain days). I LOVE MYSELF. 

 

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over the years,  i learned to stop focusing on what others think and truly focus on what i think.  i’ve weeded out quite a few friends because i felt like all they did was bring me down and make me feel bad about myself.  i even had to stop visiting my parents as much because all the negativity was too much for me to handle.

so, obviously, i broke my new year’s resolution, although every time i break it, i’m at least conscious of what i’m doing.  hopefully, by next year, i’ll be able to simply say “thank you”.  i’m at a better place today than i was a year ago, and hopefully in the next year, i’ll be in an even better place.  i want to be able to look in the mirror and ALWAYS be happy with what i see.  i want to receive a compliment from someone and ALWAYS mean the thank you that follows.  i want to ALWAYS love ME.  and i’m slowly making the changes in my life that will make all those reality.

thanks for listening. :)

 

Q: how are you at receiving a compliment?  if you’re good at it, have you always been like that?

 

 

festival of the grape

hey guys!  how was your weekend?  mine was jam packed with fun, food, and friends!

friday night was spent with family at my niece’s pre-school’s fall festival.  they had crafts and games and ended with a parade.  it was cute. but there were waaaayy too many people cramped in small areas and i had some serious anxiety going on.  (i guess i need to get used to it, because babies will be coming before i know it and i’ll be taking my own kids to their fall festival!) after that, we went to outback for dinner.  i had the cobb salad and was pretty disappointed, but i wasn’t expecting much to begin with.

saturday, i woke-up bright and early to straighten up the house then get ready for Powhatan County’s annual wine festival!  its the go-to wine festival in this area, but this was actually my first time going, or even really trying wines for that matter!  i’m more likely to try a new beer versus trying a new wine, but i’d like to branch out some and see if i like it.

the festival is only three miles from my house, so Barbara, her mom, a friend, and i headed out our door around 10:55 a.m.  there were already A LOT of people there by the time we got there!  we parked and headed to the front gate where you show your tickets and grab you tasting glass.

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after we picked up our glasses and got our wristbands, it was time to try some wine!  i am a complete newby at all of this and my memory is horrible, so i wont be able to tell you all the details, please forgive me.  there were tons of vendors set up, from artwork to wine-glass-holder-necklaces, along with the obvious wine vendors.

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the wine vendors had samplings of anywhere from three to eight wines.  most had red, whites, sweets, and sangrias.  its mostly Virginia wineries which is nice to know its all made local.  some of my favorites included Cooper Vineyards, James River Cellars, and Byrd Cellars.

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as you can see, the weather was not in our favor that day.  all week the forecast said 70* and sunny, then, friday rolled around and the forecast changed to 65* and rainy.  it was never a heavy rain, just enough to piss you off.  it surely didn’t stop people from coming out and trying some wine, though!

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each winey had a list of the wines you were tasting, so i made note of which wines i liked and which ones i didn’t.  i noticed that the majority of the ones i really liked were a blend of vidal blanc, chardonel, and something else.  they usually had other fruity notes, like peaches and pineapple, and were sweet white wines, but not too sweet. just kind of refreshing. i also enjoyed most of the sangrias.

byrd cellars had sweet apple wine that was amazing.  i plan on visiting them for a tasting sometime in the near future because i only got to try a few of their wines.  from their website:

Sweet Apple – Made from Virginia cider house apples. Light, fruity, and slightly sweet.  The apple juice comes from a cider house in Amhurst county.  We purchase the juice as the apples are being pressed at harvest time, begin the fermentation process at the cider house and transport it back to our winery to finish the process.  The apples are a wonderful blend of such great apples as pipin, fugi, yellow delicious and more.”

i really wanted a chance to try all the wines, and i’m glad i did, because i really got to see which ones i liked and which ones i didn’t care for.  one winery, peaks of otter, had a light chili pepper wine, which was served with a squeeze of cheese.  spicy wine, i did NOT care for.  it almost reminded me of the master cleanse – lemonade drink i tried for about 3 days.

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i ended up purchasing wine from cooper vineyards called rhapsody.  from the website:

Sweet:  Rhapsody – Our refreshing blend of Vidal Blanc, Chardonel, and Viognier. At 3% residual sugar, with notes of peach and honeysuckle, Rhapsody pairs well with Thai food and sunny afternoons.”

its a sweet wine, but i found it more refreshing than overly sweet.  i guess i’ll be able to give a better description once i drink more than a sample, but i’m excited to break open my bottle.

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we stayed from 11-3 p.m. and then headed to a local restaurant for dinner.  i had a blackened and bleu burger, but it was so salty, i could barely eat it.  we got home and hung out a little longer with the fire going, since it was so cold and drizzly out.

scout was happy to see the fireplace back up and running.  the kid loves a fire.  i catch him some nights with his foot actually propped in the fireplace.

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sunday, i stayed in bed until 12 p.m. sorryimnotsorry.  it felt soooo good to sleep in.  theres only been a few weekends, over the past few months, where i’ve been able to sleep in, so when i get the chance, i take it.  it was a nice relaxing sunday which included noodles & company for lunch, the movies to see carrie (don’t waste your money), and chicken noodle soup (GO MAKE THIS SOUP) + more movies (hunger games & act of valor) later that night.

all-in-all it was a really great weekend!! did you do anything fun this weekend? 

five things friday

hey y’all!  how are ya?  happy it’s friday?  i know i am.  i had monday off work for the holiday, but this 4 day work week has been dragggggging.  i thought i’d do a light post with four lists of five for you.

five most recent pins:

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  1. this hair!  i’m actually dying my hair a deep purplish hue (kinda like this) nov 2 and adding bangs!  i always want to do something different, but never get the guts to do it once i’m in the seat.  i cant wait to see how i look with both of these changes!
  2. this. pizza w. fig preserves, caramelized onions and chicken sausages by Bev Cooks.
  3. pitbull dalmation mix.  is there anything cuter than this?!
  4. these highlights.  very subtle!  i want to be more adventurous with my hair. i’m tired of it being cookie cutter all the time!
  5. this tribal/aztec cardigan.  i’m currently obsessed with all things aztec and tribal themed.  along with ikat and chevron.  and polka dots. i cant get enough of it!

five most recent purchases:

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  1. this cardigan.  like i said, i’m obsessed with tribal patterns.  i saw this sweater at wet seal and scooped it up, quick!  when does shopping at wet seal become age inappropriate?  hopefully not until i’m 26 (in a month).
  2. a fireplace gas key.  nothing fun here, the pervious owner didn’t leave one with the house, so instead of struggling with tools i had on hand, i got one for about $20. the joys of adulthood.
  3. dinner from McAlister’s Deli.  they seriously have the. best. salads.  it’s a chain restaurant, but doesn’t feel like one, which is something i really like.
  4. air filters and some random items from Lowe’s.  again, nothing fun here.  just maintaining the house!  we’re actually re-doing the laundry room (we’ve already installed tile), so i’ll have to show you a before and after once it gets done.  which should be sometime soon!
  5. this chicago bears shirt.  i don’t normally buy stuff like this often, but its barbara’s fav team and i thought it looked kinda cute.  i am by no means a football fan, but i will root for the redskins when they’re on because my uncle, who lived with us growing up, was a die-hard skins fan.

five dogs on my wish list (note:  i plan on adopting from here on out, so i don’t know how likely any of these will ever be, but these are my current favorite ‘future’ dogs).

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  1. corgis.  i have become OBSESSED.  i used to think they were funny looking, but then i realized it was the exact same dog as scout, except shorter ears (and no tail).  the more i see them, the more i love them.
  2. french bulldogs.  these stocky little guys have won over my heart.  i need one before i die.
  3. newfoundland. i volunteered at an animal hospital growing up and one of the dogs i helped out with was a newfoundland puppy.  they grow up HUGE, but i love big dogs.  i also love short dogs.  i don’t discriminate.
  4. bloodhound.  one of my friend’s has one named jeb and he is the sweetest thing i’ve ever met.  hes full of energy and reminds me a lot of a taller scout.  i think i’m partial to hound dogs.
  5. great dane.  i’ve always been in awe at the size of these dogs.  they’re adorable too.

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five meals i want to make:

  1. grilled hawaiian pizza burritos.  pineapple makes everything better.  i’m semi-obsessed.
  2. quick & clean chicken noodle soup.  clean. simple. tasty. how much better could it get?!
  3. white chicken quinoa chili.  its chili season.. do i need another reason?
  4. cheddar chive pancakes.  these neeeeed to happen, stat!
  5. mini cheddar sweet potato and chorizo shepherds pie.  long title but they look amazing!  comfort food for the win.

 

now your turn!  list off 5 things from your own list.. or choose from one of mine!