i got my date!

guys, apparently i’m only good at posting once a month these days?  life has been SO busy lately!  i’m not complaining, but i’ve barely had a free minute to do anything.  my days lately have been filled with work, family, house projects, enjoying spring, and other fun events with friends.

so on to lap-band stuff (sorry if this is boring for some), after 5 WEEKS of waiting to hear from insurance, i took it upon myself to call the company and found out i was approved for surgery march 23.  i called my doctors office the next week, thinking they would have received that information by that point, to find out they didn’t have anything.  after almost a full day on the phone and playing phone tag with insurance and my surgeon’s office, i got all the answers i needed.

i’m scheduled for surgery may 8th!  i have 2 more full days worth of appointments which include a seminar tomorrow and pre-surgery testing/questions/consent next thursday.  i should learn more about my pre-op, liver shrinking diet at the seminar and should be put on that either this friday or next friday.  i’m not sure if my surgeon requires 2 weeks or 3 weeks of the pre-op diet.

as exciting as all of this is to me, i’m still getting negative feedback from some people.  i received a voicemail from my mom about a week ago, telling me if i adopted a plant based, vegan diet i wouldn’t need “to be cut open”.  i’ve also gotten my fair share of snark comments from co-workers.  this may be the most frustrating aspect of the surgery.  i almost wish i would have kept this process to myself because people can be hurtful, whether they know it or not.   this has been something i’ve thought about since i was 18.  for almost 20 years i’ve had to be mindful of what i put in my mouth, and when i’ve failed at doing that, my weight showed that.  i know i’ve said it before, but i don’t want to be 50 and still waiting to experience life.  as much as i loved costa rica last february, my experience would have been 100x better had i weighed 100 lbs less.

i just need to keep reminding myself that i’m doing this for myself and myself only.  i’m the one that can’t look in the mirror after i get out of the shower, who hates getting dressed in the morning, whose body constantly aches from the excess weight.

i promise i want to get back to updating this blog at least weekly, for no one but myself.  so i can see how far i’ve come and see all the obstacles i faced throughout this journey.  so if you’re still reading, thanks for the support!

ps.  can you just look how little my basset was 3 years ago.  man, as much as i miss that baby face, that first year was a hard one with him!

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change of plans

hey guys! happy wednesday. i officially hate the term ‘hump day’ because the guy at the front desk of my gym repeats the geico commercial word for word EVERY WEDNESDAY i walk into the gym, usually at 5:00am when i have no patience for anyone.  so, needless to say, i no longer enjoy referring to wednesday as hump day. moving on..

this post will probably be mostly words and i apologize for that in advance.

i had my appointment with the surgeon at St. Mary’s hospital at 11:30 friday morning.  i got to the office early, filled out my paperwork and waited until the doctor was ready.  when i was finally called back, they took my weight, blood pressure, temp, etc and then, i was finally placed in the examining room.  the nurse asked what surgery i was considering, and she noted it on my chart.

*i will clarify that when i first saw the nurse practitioner last january, the only surgery we discussed was the lap-band, because that’s the only surgery i was comfortable with.  its the least invasive of the 3, and the one i felt most i could do the best with.*

the doctor walked in and wasn’t even sitting down before he told me that i wasn’t a good candidate for the lap-band.  stating my BMI was WAY TO HIGH to be considered.  he would only give the lap-band to a patient with a BMI of 45 and lower.  NEWS FLASH, doc, my BMI is 46 and i’m only 7 pounds away from 44.9, so you’re being a bit dramatic.  he went on to say, i would only lose 30 pounds, but i’d never be successful like sleeve and gastric bypass patients.  after he was done telling me how bad i was going to fail with the lap-band, he refused to treat me and referred me to his colleague, Dr. Carmody, who i could meet with at 3:00pm that afternoon.

after feeling so defeated, i left the office crying and second guessing everything i was so sure of for the past 13 months.  i KNEW this was the right surgery for me.  i didn’t want 3/4 of my stomach to be removed.  i didn’t want to constantly worry about malnutrition or if i didn’t get the right vitamins in, worry about losing my hair.  then i thought, maybe this guy IS right.  maybe i’m too fat for the lap-band.  maybe the sleeve is the only thing that will help me lose this 130 pounds i want to lose.  maybe i’m being naïve in my decision and should just go ahead and get the sleeve.

by the time i got back to the doctor, i wasn’t sure what i want at this point.  i was scared, nervous, and confused.  when i finally got called back, 50 minutes later, i wasn’t sure what this doctor was going to tell me.  luckily, it was everything i NEEDED to hear.  after a few minutes of talking to me about my past diet attempts and current eating habits, he thought i was a perfect fit for the lap-band.  he said with me being young, active, and a generally clean eater, i would be very successful with the band.  it was like i could finally breath again, and hearing that someone believed in me was the boost i needed.  i should get a surgery date within the next 2 weeks, where i’ll be put on a pre-op diet consisting of not that much.

i’m SO HAPPY the first doctor turned out to be a dick, because i really feel like my current doctor is the perfect fit.  i do understand where the other doctor was coming from, even though i don’t agree with it.  lap-band patients tend to lose less weight at a slower pace than sleeve and bypass patients do.  these numbers reflect poorly on the surgeon and drop his stats.  aftercare cost and time (because of fills) is also a burden on the surgeon has to deal with.  not that i think any surgery is an easy decision or the ‘easy way out’, but i think it takes a little more work throughout the whole process to get good result with lap-band.  just my opinion though.

im using the band as a tool.  i don’t mind working out and i actually love eating clean (with the occasional splurge out to eat), but even with all i did this year to change my diet and exercise, it still wasn’t enough.  i don’t want to feel like the only way i can lose weight is by not eating carbs.  i want to be able to take a bite of bread, but have that be enough to satisfy me.

i’m going to make this work.. and i cant wait to see how far i take it!  then, i can shove my weight loss in the other surgeons face and say F YOU.

that’s enough words for the day.  i hope you all have a great day!

 

remember me?

so, i realize, i’m just not the best blogger ever.  even when i’m on track with eating and exercising,  i just don’t always find it ‘fun’ to update the blog.  hopefully you guys understand that! i see that some people are still hanging around!

last time i left you, i wasn’t doing too much, just living life.  i did go to new york, which is CRAZY at christmas time.  maybe a little too crazy for me, but i had fun regardless!

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other than that, i’ve been trying to eat fairly clean, with the occasional treats thrown in on the weekends.  i’ve been loving a avocado chicken burger recipe i found on pinterest awhile back.  these things are SO GOOD that they don’t even need a bun, which is saying a LOT coming from me!

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i also made some amazing filet and scallops for valentine’s day!  i don’t love getting all into valentine’s day, because i think if you love someone, you should show them you love them all year long, but those are my thoughts, and i wont go any further into it!

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it’s been a CRAZY winter in richmond!  i had all but given up hope that i’d ever see a decent snow fall again, but last week we got 10 inches at my house.  plus, the temperature has been averaging around 10-15*, which is unheard of in these parts, so i’m dreaming of spring weather, and hope that it makes it here soon!

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and, i couldn’t not mention that someone turned 3 yesterday!  yep, i can’t believe i got this guy a little less than three years ago!  he has pushed my limits more times than i can count, but i wouldn’t trade this guy for anything in the world.  i didn’t make him a pupcake this year, but he did get a few spoons of pb and almond butter! happy birthday, scout!

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as far as weight loss goes, i haven’t been restricting my diet and i’ve been at the same weight since the 24 day challenge.  i know to some people, that may not sound great, but for me to actually maintain my weight, is something i’ve never been able to do.  i’m either gaining or losing, so it feels nice to be in control, a little.

i’ve also been going to the gym 3-5 times a week.  i’ve been drinking this pre-workout and its helped me get motivated after a long day of work.  its so easy to just go home, lay on the couch, and binge watch the following (SO GOOD), but if i drink the pre-workout before i leave work, there’s no way i’m going to waste the product/$$, so i end up in the gym and feel SO much better afterwards! plus, if i go home after the gym and mold into the couch, i don’t feel as bad!

lap-band surgery update:  i successfully completed my 12 month coaching program required by insurance yesterday!  i completed the other required appointments, as well, which included:

  • meeting with a psychiatrist
  • meeting with a nutritionist
  • receiving clearance from my PCP
  • H PYLORI testing

i got a phone call from my surgeons office yesterday morning and i’m scheduled for an appointment feb 28.  i’m not exactly sure what will happen in this appointment, but surgery is not set in stone yet, because i still need to receive insurance approval.  so, lets hope all goes well and i get approved quick!

its been a longgg road, but i still know that in my heart, this is what i want for me and my body.  i remember going on my first diet when i was 6 years old, so i’ve been struggling with this issue for 20 years.  20 YEARS. it’s so hard trying to convince someone this is the right thing for me.  i’ve received many snide remarks from co-workers/others, like “i’d rather be fat” or “can’t you just eat less and not get the surgery?”  not that these have ANY impact on my decision, BUT, its one of the main reasons i’ve kept my surgery to myself and the whole internet.  again, i’ve asked before, but if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all, because i really don’t want any more negativity on this issue.

so, i think that’s enough updating for you guys today!  if you stuck around, thanks! and i promise i wont wait so long to post next time.  i want to keep this thing going, i really do.  i haven’t found a ton of blogs with the same issues as mine, so i’m hoping this can help other people.

xoxo

metabolic testing results

hey guys! happy tuesday!  i mentioned before that i was planning on getting metabolic testing done and last night was the night!

let me rewind a bit and take the time to thank janetha for talking me through a nervous breakdown and showing me this post, from ashley. to be honest, after my 24 day challenge, i started to do some research on how many calories i should be consuming a day, there were SO many different  opinions that i just panicked and didn’t know what to do.  i texted janetha and she was more than happy to listen and give advice.  she sent me to ashley’s page, and that’s what made decided i want to get metabolic testing done so i could know my exact numbers and be confident in how i was fueling my body.

so, last night, i had a Resting Metabolic Rate (RMR) test done to determine how many calories i burn each day.  during the quick, ten minute test, i was hooked up to a machine, through a breathing tube (nose plugged), which analyzed oxygen levels of air i was breathing.  the results from the test can then help determine how many calories i need to gain or lose weight and reach my weight loss goal.  the test also includes 45 minutes to talk with a Registered Dietitian to set up an individual meal plan.

after the test was done, the RD took my weight, height, goal weight, and also took down notes on an average 24 hour period in my life (she asked for an average gym day).  here’s what i told her:

  • 4:30 a.m. alarm goes off
  • 5:00 a.m. eating half a VO2 bar and drinking spark + arginine extreme pre-workout
  • 5:15 a.m. workout (weight training followed by 20 mins of cardio)
  • 7:15 a.m. protein shake + piece of fruit (watermelon or apples)
  • 9:30 a.m. snack – rice cake + some sunflower seed butter
  • 12:30 p.m. lunch – leftovers – probably a lean protein, complex carb, and some veggies
  • 3:30 p.m. snackquest bar
  • 5:00 p.m. by this time, i usually have about 100-120 oz of water
  • 6:30 p.m. dinner – lean protein (fish, bison, ground turkey) + two servings of veggies
  • 9:00 p.m. snack – protein cake (i used the recipe at the bottom of the post) or protein shake
  • i also explained how i am getting my daily vitamins through MNS 3 packets.

she complimented me on the fact that i balance protein with a carbs pretty well.  i learned that from body-for-life (and janetha) and know that’s the best way to keep myself hungry, without feeling deprived.

my RMR results were as follows:

  • Weight – 287 lbs
  • Goal weight – 170 lbs
  • Height – 5 ft 7 in
  • Resting Energy Expenditure – 2,434 calories
  • Estimated exercise burn – 304 cals (in 30 mins of exercise)
  • Estimated lifestyle & activity burn – 729 cals (a little high, in her thoughts, since i have a desk job)
  • Metabolism – 14% faster, compared to a typical person of similar sex, age, height, and weight. which means i can’t use ‘i have a slow metabolism’ for weight gain.

RMR13,467 calories – my total energy output

RMR2never would have thought my metabolism was faster than average, with all the damage i’ve done to it in the past.

the RD explained to me, that for the most part, overweight people have a higher than normal metabolism because they use more energy doing normal day-to-day activities (like walking to the car or going up the stairs).  this all made a lot of sense to me.

my recent ‘plateau’ made sense, as well.  i was eating/logging about 1,200-1,300 calories a day, thinking i was getting enough food to fuel my body, but not too much to where i wouldn’t lose weight.  turns out, my body was in starvation mode.  i was eating too few calories to properly fuel my body.  everything started to fall into place and i realized i was actually hurting myself, when i thought i was doing the right thing.

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we went over how many calories she thought i should consume on workout days and non-workout days.  you can see from the photo above, she wants me to keep non-workout days at around 1,400-1,600 calories, and workout days to around 1,600 to 1,800 calories.  these calorie amounts don’t seem extremely high to me, but i’m so used to eating 1,200-1,300, it will take some getting used to.  after logging all my meals for the day, today, i realized that my day is going to be calorie heavy for dinner, which is something i don’t want to happen.  i need to plan my meals better and keep them all about the same amount of calories.  i’m going to try and keep my macros around 45/35/20 (protein/carbs/fat).

all-in-all, i thought this was a very successful experience.  i learned a lot, and i feel confident that i will be able to fuel my body properly with these tools!  i’ll continue to check in with the RD to let her know how my progress is going, whether i’m losing weight or not, and if there are any adjustments in my calories that may need to be made.

have a great day!

 

Advocare 24 Day Challenge Results!

you guys! happy thursday! wouldn’t it be great if it were just friday, already?  well it’s not, but i’m having a great day anyways!!

GUESS WHAT? the 24 day challenge is over!  i’m not happy its over, because i enjoyed (and will continue with) the structure of the program, and something about 24 days just made all the goals SO ATTAINABLE.  but, i’m also happy that i get to enjoy my upcoming weekend without the fear of failing at this thing.

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i had AMAZING results with the cleanse. i was actually a little hesitant the second part of the challenge, because i was afraid to set myself up, too much, in fear that i wouldn’t do well and disappoint myself.

i will continue to say that this is not a miracle pill/program.  i ate clean and worked my ass off in the gym. with all the temptation i was faced with, i had zero cheats.  i was in the gym from 5:15-6:45 a.m. every week day and at some point on saturdays.  i did not slack off and i think my progress shows that.  but, the products helped push me through it.  i had the most energy i’ve had in a LONG time.  my workout motivation came from my favorite morning cocktail of spark + arginine extreme. the cleanse helped kick my bad habits, including my relentless sweet tooth.  and i think the MNS C helped curb any other cravings i had.

so, how did i do?  well.. here you go:photo 124daychallengeresults

and here are Barbara’s results:

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pretty amazing if you ask me.  we both feel great and can’t wait to see where the future will take us.  i’m promising myself that this challenge wont be the end and i can revert back to old ways; i feel too good to do that.  this is a lifestyle change, for sure.  and i’ll make sure to keep you updated along my journey!

have a GREAT day!

advocare 24 day challenge update

hey there!  after a four day weekend away from just about everything other than the gym, i’m feeling.. awful. i know part of the reason for my feeling like this is cramps + bloating; but, there’s nothing i can do to control that so i’m not going to let it get in my way.

this morning, i fell got out of bed,  got all my things together, then headed down the road to my gym.  (sidenote: my gym is 30 minutes away, along with most civilization, but it’s only 5 minutes from my work; so, i shower at the gym and the distance doesn’t phase me, since i would be driving that far to work a couple hours later anyway).  15 minutes down the road, i realize something: i forgot my work clothes. ugh. i drive home, scoop them up, then head back to the gym.  i started out a little early this morning, so my mishap made me on-time to the gym around 5:15ish a.m.

once i got to the gym, i jumped right into squats and kettlebell swings for leg day, but something just felt off.  my legs felt exhausted and my right quad/hamstring kept feeling like it was about to pull.  so, i backed off and did as much as i could and followed-up with 15 minutes in the sauna.  i’ve been going into the sauna for about 5-10 minutes after every workout and i haven’t felt that sore compared to how i think i should feel.  i’m really pushing myself in the gym and the sauna seems to help keep the DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) away.

here’s the thing, i’m not happy with my day in the gym this morning, but i’m also not upset.  i could have easily pushed sleep on my alarm clock and slept for two more hours, but i didn’t.  i’m not saying i’m new and improved and will never skip a workout, but, after 3 weeks of this, i can feel a change in my attitude.  something i’ve never felt before.  i want this change to stick and become permanent.

i know it wont be easy and i know its going to be a long road, but i know it will be worth it if i just keep sticking to what i’m doing.

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i’m currently down 12 pounds since the start of my Advocare 24 day challenge, and before i became a bloated mess, i seriously just felt ‘slimmer’.  i wont say these are magic pills that are going to make you skinny overnight, but i do think this challenge gives you the right tools to get on track with a healthy push along the way.

can’t wait to complete my final weigh-in next wednesday and share the results with you all! sorry for being whiney this afternoon.

have a great day!

advocare cleanse recap

sooooo.. the cleanse is officially over! now it’s time for the max phase of the challenge! i can’t tell you enough how excited i am to complete this challenge.  most ‘challenges’ i have tried in the past usually wind up with me getting bored before i actually finish.  that’s what makes this challenge so different.  24 days will pass you by before you even know it!

grab some snacks, this could get long.

so, what’s the cleanse been like? i never really felt like i was actually doing a ‘cleanse’ because i was still eating great food and enjoying normal activities.  the company suggests you cut out processed food, white flour, sugar, high-cal dressings, soda, and alcohol, replacing them with lean proteins, veggies, and complex carbs (beans, oatmeal, quinoa, whole grains). drinking plenty of water (they suggested half your body weight in ounces). and, they also suggest exercising regularly, which i ended up doing 1.5 – 2 hrs of lifting + cardio every morning.  i cut out the cardio after work, because i quickly felt burnt out, and i wanted to complete this challenge strong.

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here’s a rundown of what my days looked like on average:

day 1-3:

  • 4:14 a.m. – roll out of bed, moaning and groaning
  • 4:30 a.m. – spark + catalyst pre-workout
  • 6:30 a.m. – fiber drink + protein shake post-workout
  • 10:00 a.m. – snack (almonds + hardboiled egg OR rice cake + almond butter)
  • 1:00 p.m. – catalyst
  • 1:30 p.m. – lunch (leftovers from night before, usually chicken/fish + veggies + quinoa/brown rice)
  • ~3:30 p.m. – snack (almonds + hardboiled egg OR rice cake + avocado)
  • 7:00 p.m. – omegaplex + dinner (chicken/fish/bison + veggie and sometimes complex carbs if feeling completely depleted, which only happened one day.)
  • 9:30 p.m. – herbal cleanse caplets + catalyst + protein shake
  • 10:00 p.m. – in bed

day 4-7:

day 8-10:

  • same as day 1-3, except take both probiotic restore and fiber drink, leave out herbal cleanse caplets at night.

it seemed a little intimidating, at first, and i carried my calendar around with what-to-take-and-when, but after the second day, i got the hang of it.  i would double check just to make sure i was taking the right thing in the morning and at night, since those are the only things that change through the cleanse.

i, also, never felt any harsh ‘cleanse’ effects happening during the 10 days either.  yes, it did make me regular, but i never felt like i was running to the bathroom, unless you count the bathroom breaks from drinking so much water.

the ONLY part of the cleanse i didn’t particularly enjoy was the fiber drink. i read plenty of reviews, beforehand, so i knew that it was just something i needed to mix, chug, and get it over with.  it wasn’t the taste that was bad, either.  it had a very gritty thick texture that wasn’t very appealing.  i was happy it wasn’t on days 4 through 7, and i’m very happy it’s over with for good, now. as much as i didn’t enjoy the fiber drink, it wouldn’t be enough to make me not want to try this cleanse again down the road.  advocare actually suggests doing this every 3 months.

so, how did i feel during the cleanse? i felt awesome.  i cannot stress that enough.  i want to be clear that i wasn’t eating terrible before i started this thing.  no, i wasn’t working out, but i kept most of my meals clean, especially during the week.  my downfall was late night ice cream, weekend eating out, and watching my portions.  just because the meal is ‘clean’ doesn’t mean you can have 2 large servings.  i was constantly tired. i felt groggy all the time. even if i wanted to workout, i felt so tired all the time i couldn’t seem to drag myself to the gym.

soooo, how were my results??? YOU GUYS, when i saw the numbers i was SHOCKED!  i know i feel 10x better, but the numbers are making me glow with confidence!  i knew my weight was consistently going down, because of that problem i have (which i’m working on). but, when i took my measurements and started comparing them with 10 days before, I WAS ESTATIC! so, here they are:

weightincheslostTHAT’S TWELVE AND A HALF INCHES, IN TEN DAYS. 

so, am i happy with the results so far?  ummm, do ya think???!?!  i’m really excited to finish this challenge strong.  these results are proof of my hard work and dedication and i can’t wait to see what kind of results i can pull off after 14 more days!!

*i am not an Advocare distributor, but my fiancé is.  all of my opinions on Advocare would be the same regardless of this.*

day nine.

hey there! happy tuesday!  i’m currently on day 9 of the Advocare 24 Day Challenge!  i haven’t taken any official measurements, but so far i’ve lost 7 lbs.  what i love is that i already feel a lot lighter, not just like i lost some water weight.

i’ve kept my meals pretty simple, since i’m trying to cut out everything processed for the challenge.  i wanted this to be a complete overhaul on my body and mind, and i feel like i’m really getting to where i want to be with these products.  i’ll post a complete write-up of the cleanse phase once i’m done. tomorrow is the last day!

i’ve read some different stories about what to eat while completing the burn phase. some look like they incorporate some carb-cycling, while others look like the cleanse phase [protein + veggies + complex carbs].  i may try the carb-cycling approach because i’ve wanted to try it and its only 14 days, i think i can manage 🙂

three new things i’m excited about:

1. trying out this sleep works by Advocare.  it should be coming in tomorrow!  the reason i’m excited is because recently, i’ll lay in bed and my thoughts wont shut off; i also don’t sleep well once i get to sleep because i’m worried i’m either going to sleep through my alarm clock or i have terrible dreams that keep me awake.

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Capture52(source.)

2. this cookies & cream protein by Beverly International.  i’m all out of my chocolate protein, and i’ve never ventured out on flavors, so this will be a new protein experience for me all around.  plus, it’s a casein/whey mixture, and i’ve never tried casein protein, so i’m excited.  (who am i? getting excited over protein purchases?)

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3. this headband from LP3.  i found them fumbling around on instagram one day and fell in love with the headbands! i got the granite rose, but i cant wait to stock up on the rest of the colors! there’s so many to choose from!Capture2

that’s it for today!  i’m excited to share my final results of the cleanse phase on thursday or friday!  i’ll leave you with a picture of my sweet boy 🙂

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Q: any new purchases for you recently that you’re excited to try out for the first time?

valentine’s day.

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i have been a combination of all those things at some point this week.  its been my first week back into the gym, consistently, for quite some time.  i’m lifting and lifting heavy, because i want to challenge myself.  i’m sore in places i forgot i had. i’m tired, too.  my alarm clock goes off at 4:15 a.m. and by lunch time, i’m feeling it.  my body is tired, my mind is tired, I’M TIRED.

but.. i know this will be worth it.  i’m not wishing for all my dreams to come true at the end of this challenge.  i know i’m a work in progress and it’s going to take TIME. and STRENGTH. and WILLPOWER.  i don’t expect abs, or even a flat stomach.  what i’m hoping for is to find the motivation i lost somewhere along the way.

this time two years ago, i was just starting body-for-life, with the help of Janetha.  about two months after that, i was down over 30 lbs and really feeling great.  i haven’t been on a strict meal plan or workout regime since then.  not saying i completely gave up.. but i would binge, then realize i needed to snap back; i’d  go to some body pump classes, do some zumba at home, clean up my eats, but i never really found that motivation again. i got stressed out from buying a house and ate junk to make myself feel better, only i felt ten times worse.

my weight spiraled out of control and i woke up one morning the highest weight i had ever seen.  a number so high, it literally makes me sick to my stomach.  in december 2012 i woke up one day and decided to weigh myself (because when i’m not on track, i’d rather not see the number climb) and i weighed in at 303 pounds. ugh, there are tears in my eyes typing out that number. how did this happen?  how did i LET this happen??  the calories didn’t jump down my throat.. i stuffed them down there. i wasn’t overeating while i was at work, because i would pack a sensible breakfast and lunch; but i got tired of cooking, so, fast food for dinner it was. or a pre-made pizza. or hamburger helper. or pasta with more pasta.  i was having seconds for dinner; not small-just-two-more-bites seconds, more like the-same-size-as-my-first plate seconds. i was also eating a pint of ice cream for dessert more than 3 times a week; and there was always something sweet in the house because i now had the worst sweet tooth i’ve ever had.

i took matters into my own hands and decided if i couldn’t do this on my own, i didn’t want to wait a minute longer to help.  i saw a doctor and was enrolled for the LAP-BAND surgery in feb 2013.  actually, feb 14, 2013 to be exact.  i have not had the surgery yet, because i have to complete a 12-month coaching program through my insurance company to make sure i’m prepared for surgery (and that my insurance will pay for it).  announcing this to someone other than close friends and family makes me feel like a failure.  i thought i could do this on my own. i WANTED TO do this on my own.  my dad offered me this surgery multiple times in high school and college and i refused.  but i look at my parents and see that they’re still doing the same thing i am (yo-yo’ing), only they’re 30 years older.  i don’t want to wake up at age 50 and still have things on the back burner ‘waiting to lose weight’ before i do them.

i know this wont be the answer to all my prayers, but it will hopefully be the tool i need to make this thing work for me.  please don’t judge me, because, unless you’ve been in my shoes, you don’t know how this feels.  if everything works out as planned, i will be eligible for surgery feb 14, 2014.  if i can go in that day and have the surgery done, you bet i’ll be there.  this is why i’m currently trying to work on myself. i’m not going to show up to operating table 50 pounds heavier than i am now just because.  i want to lose as much weight as i can on my own, have the surgery, and continue right back to what i was doing.  i’m actually really excited.

so, this post took a crazy turn from what i had planned, but my brain just started pouring out thoughts and i can’t help they were all over the place.  this was the hardest decision i have ever made in my life, so i’m hoping to find some support to go along with it.  and i hope that everyone can see where i’m coming from and that i’m not just trying to take a magic pill and make all the fat go away.

sorry for such a heavy post on friday, but i needed this. i needed to get it out there so i can do everything i need to do to be successful.

i hope y’all have a great friday.

thursday confessional

you guys, i have a problem.. it’s not something i’m proud of and it usually determines my mood for the next several hours/days: when i start a diet/lifestyle change, i become OBSESSED with the scale.

scale(source)

my routine?  wake up, go to the bathroom, weigh myself.  if i workout that morning, weigh myself after.  get to work, there’s a scale in the women’s bathroom, ‘i’ll just see if the scales say the same thing.  mine could be off“.  i get home after work and haven’t eating anything since my 3 o’clock snack, my stomach feels pretty empty, lets just check to see if the number is lower than(!!) or the same as it was this morning.  then, i make dinner and relax before it’s time to go to bed.  i’ll weigh myself before bed, but usually don’t take that number too seriously. 99.99% of the time, i have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night from all the water i drink.. you bet i weight myself.

THAT’S SIX TIMES.  six times too many, i know.  it drives me crazy that i do it, but i just want to make sure i’m making progress.  i know it shouldn’t happen daily, and i also know my weight can fluctuate anywhere from 1-10 lbs in a day (that’s even with clean eating).

i want to work on this.  i want to be able to hop on the scale once a month (or even longer period of time) and just check-in;  see if i’m still on-track or if i need to buckle-down. and maybe one day, not even feel the need to see what the number is and go by how i feel.  i’m going to try to wean myself off, but i know its going to take time.  this has been a serious obsession for yearsssss now; i’d say probably 10+ years.

broken-scale-picture(source)

i know i’ve ready plenty of posts with this same subject, but i would consider this my biggest flaw when it come to losing weight.  when that number stops dropping as fast as i think it should, the weight creeps back on soon after.  i can be eating SO WELL and doing my workouts PERFECTLY and if that scale doesn’t rub me the wrong way, it could change the entire outlook on my program.  if i want to be successful this time around, i’m going to have to work on this, which means i’m going to have to work on myself.

i’ll check in with updates to let you know how it’s going.

Q:  do you weigh yourself regularly?  do you refuse to weigh yourself?  does your mood depend on whether the number is what you think it should be?